To: Millennial suckers
Dear Leftist Millennials, we need to talk. I’ve noticed you’re becoming more easily wounded than ever. You’ve created a fantasy world full of frightening micro-aggressions, whereby a single dose of side-eye amounts to racism, sexism, or some kind of phobia. You’re spewing out insults like ‘racist’, ‘bigot’, and ‘misogynist’ to quash an argument, rather than counter it. More to the point, you now seem to find everything, literally everything, offensive.
Normally I’d be sympathetic to such paranoia. I’d suggest you eat some chocolate, or take a nap, or read a book. But having seen the adverse effects on free speech this neo-Marxist craze has, and the blind nastiness of your advocacy for it, I have only one thing to say; you suck.
I don’t mean this as the racist-sexist-homophobic-ableist-transphobic-micro-aggression you will all instinctively assume it to be. I mean you suck the life out of every discussion, debate, and disagreement. You suck the fun out of every party, comedy spot, and costume. You suck the sense out of your own self confessedly sacred ideology. And the reason you all suck so very, very much is your fondness for my favourite enemy; political correctness. Now, don’t panic! I know your tendency to be ‘triggered’ by any opinion different to your own, but there’s no need to run to your ‘safe space’. I’m here to help. I’ve taken time out of my busy schedule being a pragmatic, sensible, thick-skinned, fabulous Conservative Millennial to help quell those anxieties, for your sake.
Let’s go back to basics, and talk about words. You remember Harry Potter? Well, while Harry, Ron, and Hermione could throw flames, stupefy people, and (trigger warning: murder) kill enemies with a few choice phrases and a flick of their wands, words don’t actually have magic powers. This isn’t Hogwarts. Regardless of how hopefully you waited for your letter from Dumbledore (may he rest in peace), you’re all Muggles. Therefore, presenting words and ideas that maybe, just maybe, go against political correctness, is not going to cause horrible excruciating pain.
The thing is, you’ve got political correctness all wrong. It’s not about stopping people from being racist, or sexist, or homo/trans/ace/anything-else-phobic. That’s called ‘not being a jerk’. Political correctness is the inhibiting of necessary moral and practical judgment based on fear of defying popular opinion. It prevents us from addressing issues that are important, but uncomfortable. Like the 1,400 white girls who were raped in Rotherham, England between 1997 and 2013, whose cases were ignored by authorities. Why? Because the perpetrators were Muslim Pakistani rape gangs, and police did not want to appear racist.
In other words, political correctness is sticking your head in the sand and allowing other people to suffer immeasurably because you don’t want to be called nasty names like ‘bigot’. Call me crazy, but isn’t such selfishness contrary to the doctrine of compassion you keep ramming down right-wing throats?
Look, I’m not judging you for this hypocrisy; I feel sorry for you. It must be awful to live in a state of perpetual worry that some nifty little PC (trigger warning: cultural appropriation) ninja is going to jump out from behind the couch and (trigger warning: violence) shoot you with silver (trigger warning: guns) bullets.
But that PC ninja never appears. Because funnily enough, words are not a threat to your physical safety. Whether words appear in the form of ideas you disagree with, or phrases like ‘the pay gap is a myth’, ‘Islam is misogynistic’, or ‘Amy Schumer is fat and unfunny’, they’re not going to kill anyone. In fact, you can actually debate these new ideas and controversial phrases in a friendly, non-hysterical manner.
Now we’ve looked at a few examples of why you all suck, we can address the canker causing pretty much all of your suckery. That is; after years of arguing with you, Leftist Millennials, I’ve realised that when you assert everyone is entitled to an opinion, you mean only those that coincide with yours. So when you come across a (trigger warning: words) word or opinion that challenges you, you throw a tantrum and run to a safe space until the emotional trauma subsides. In addition, you actually condone this tanty-throwing. You call it ‘being triggered’.
I really, really don’t mean to offend you (although if I do, I don’t care), but here’s the thing. You know who else throws tantrums whenever they’re challenged or vaguely hurt? And hides in a specified room until they feel better? Babies. You are behaving like babies. And as the generation about to take the reins of the free world, that is of concern.
So, rather than choosing to be a perpetual infant, how about you (trigger warning: patriarchy) man up and join us Conservative Millennials? We don’t suck; we blow. We are the bellows blowing fresh air into every topic you’ve crossed off the ‘things you’re allowed to talk about’ list. And we know you hate us for it. We know you think we’re mean, bigoted, and evil. You’ve told us so, usually when we’re annihilating your argument with reason and fact. But we don’t hate you. Sure, we think you’re boring, and naive, and a bit stupid. And yes, we spend a good portion of our free time laughing at you. But we don’t hate you.We can save you from a life of anxiety, ignorance, and general lack of amusement. See, Conservative Millennials are a lot of fun. We’re naughty, cunning, and like pushing boundaries. We love making mischief. We dig dangerous politics, controversial conversations, and have a wicked sense of humour. And we operate under the assumption that if someone offends you, you offend them right back. You may think we’re going to hell for this (or whatever your atheist version of hell is). You may be right. But I can guarantee we’re going in a fast car, with lots of money, ready to wreak hellish havoc when we get there.
Come over to the dark side. We’ll take you in. The ball, as they say, is in your court. With every best wish,
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